I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
