Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
