No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
