It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
