Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
