I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
