my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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