we should wear snuggies to the strip club
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
