Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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