so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
