I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
