Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
