Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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