if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
