the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
