no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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