what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
