Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
