Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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