If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
