i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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