Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Just high enough for therapy.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
