My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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