Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
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Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
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I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
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