i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
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