I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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