2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
