So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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