my phone needs a breathalizer
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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