u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
