I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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