I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
