I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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