Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I just want nice things and good sex
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
