i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
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No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize