a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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