If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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