We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
