They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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