You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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