Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
