Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
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If you die in college, do you die in real life?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
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Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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