my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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