It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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