I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
