Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
