I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
