you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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