The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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