you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
