Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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