I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
