He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
