his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
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I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
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I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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