he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
