This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
