sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
